What it’s Like to Have Suicidal Ideation.

By definition: Suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation, are thoughts about how to kill oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration and does not include the final act of killing oneself. The majority of people who experience suicidal ideation do not carry it through

From what I understand, the symptoms and signs of suicidal ideation will vary and range from person to person. I have never met another person with the same situation as myself so I am going strictly on what I have been told.

My own personal encounter starts when I was young. It started with the thought, I wonder what would happen if I died. . . Meaning I wondered if there would be a funeral, who would miss me, the events that would happen. A common thought I am sure everyone has ever wondered about, but now that I am older, I have come to realize that if a nine year old came to me today and told me they had these thoughts, I would be concerned.

Moving onto high school, it turned into the thoughts of wanting to die, and wishing I was dead and joking about death and dying. In the cafeteria you never suspect that when your friend says “Ugh I wish I was dead.” when she embarrasses herself would be threatening, but to me it was the truth.

It then transitioned into a behaviour I was exhibiting, I was emotional, (But what high school kid isn’t right?) I found myself crying myself to sleep many nights without a full explanation, the simplest inconvenience in my life would send me to tears at night, even if I had settled it at the time of occurrence. I was upset, and in need of an explanation as to why I was so upset, I was incredibly horrible to do what I did, but I fantasized about my life, the only time I was truly happy was when I was writing stories, I lived in those stories and it made my life seem different, it made it make more sense. I then transitioned into the horrid aspect and I began telling lies to people about my life as well. I lost friends because of it, I was in need of constant distraction, silence made me uncomfortable so I was constantly talking and giving myself a very narcissistic image. I was a frightened, and unhappy person, and I tried my best to fix that, no matter how awful the tactics.

My final year of high school and moving into college is when the behaviour became concerning. I would write suicide notes. I would think in specific detail the best way to go about killing myself. The thoughts were constant and death would become my only solution to my problems. I would think, It’s okay if I fail, I’ll just kill myself. It was a completely emotionless feeling, and to me that is the most terrifying moment in my life.

The things I do now are concerning, I write notes to loved ones, think about how I would go about it in a way not to hurt anyone else, I count the amount of pills it would take to kill me, and a plan is made, but I never go through with it.

The best way to describe what keeps me from doing it is this. I have things that make me stay alive, but I have nothing that keeps me from wanting to die. 

Meaning I don’t want to leave this world because I love my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, I love sports and animals and my program, but no matter how many blessings I can count, I always revert back to thinking about suicide.

I have been terribly morbid on my explanation, and it is a more depressing topic but please know that I am okay. There are measures I take in order to keep my emotional state level, when I have an episode I remind myself that although I fear that I may commit suicide, I never will. It’s a process, and a constant breakdown of my personality and an evaluation on why I am feeling the way I am, but it works and I can end my episode usually in less than an hour.

I decided to write this post because it’s  not something that is spoken about in a regular class. The constant area of focus is the action of suicide itself, and if you have suicidal thoughts then you are at risk, which is true, but what I fully believe saved me from getting to that point was learning what Suicidal Ideation is and finally having a name for the way I am feeling. I have a reason for how I feel, and to know that gives me the opportunity to speak with people and get help from others as well as being able to help myself.

It doesn’t go away, but it can be treated, and a lot of the treatment starts with yourself, and learning to love yourself for who you are, and being able to distinguish between an episode and how you really feel about the person you are.

To anyone out there who has read this and thinks that they may be suffering from Suicidal Ideation, it is important that you have someone in your life who knows about it. Speak to anyone, a doctor, a teacher, a help line, anyone. It brings it to life and to verbalize your thoughts and feelings makes it real, and your brain and body will finally understand what is going on.

Seek help if you can, if you can’t at the moment then just know that you are not alone and when episodes happen, they will end. When they end reflect on how you felt then and how you feel at the moment, that will distinguish what you have to do next.

Thank you for reading, I hope his has opening eyes for everyone who has been reading.

Life is precious.

I want to live it.

 

 

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How to Actually Pass Your Driving Test

 

  1. Drive like you’re terrified.

Now don’t be stopping the car when a candy wrapper goes by and be going 30 under the speed limit shaking like a leaf. NO! Get your confidence up know how to drive a car! Be that asshole that can drive a car and do his laundry at the same time, BE THAT GOOD. But you cannot drive with confidence on the road test, they will fail you, because Confident drivers take their turns a little wide and know the road, and don’t look at their mirrors every five seconds, and turn left when there is a car a good enough distance away and just glide through the railroad crossing. You can’t do that, you need to drive like you are terrified to hit someone, terrified of hitting another car, terrified of being pulled over, terrified of everything. You have to check your mirrors seven times before leaving, check your blind spots 3 times before backing up, you need to count out the number of seconds you are stopped and look both ways over and over again before proceeding through an intersection with no one around. Keep in mind, the instructor does not know you are a good driver, and has probably been in the car with 6 kids that day who accidentally turned left on a red light. Don’t give them any reason to think that you’re not cautious. If you drive confidently they will find something that you did to be unsafe even if it wasn’t.

2. Don’t Talk

Driving instructors can write comments on your marking sheet, and if you talk during your exam, they will write that you are “Verbal, and distracted.” I’m not talking about having a conversation in the car, I’m talking about verbalizing what you’re seeing. Don’t say “Oh there’s a guy there, I’m gonna wait.” or “he got here first.” Just don’t say anything other than to ask for clarification or confirmation that you heard what they said. Believe me they can fail you for being distracted and talking is a good way to lower your score.

3. Don’t be a Tourist

I get it, the DMV is a confusing and frustrating place if you have never been there,  or you don’t know the process of something. Learn as much as you can before you go, you walk in, most places have you check in at a kiosk to take a number and then you sit and wait for your number to be called. Don’t bitch about how long it takes, (It always takes long) don’t ask about what the letters and numbers mean, and do not have mommy or daddy come up to the counter with you. They literally ask you to bring your paper and your driving license, thats it. Also when you perform your road test and the person tells you “Okay you can go wait in your car.” Do not wait around for your license to be given back to you. I’ve seen it too many times where people stand in the waiting room to be called again. The instructor takes everything of yours and meets you at your car, go sit down and relax, if they arrive and you’re not there it pisses them off. I say this because when you go in and you don’t know how to go through with the process and you’re nervous and anxious it’s gonna reflect on how you do on the test and how the instructor first views you as a person.

4. Don’t Dress Like an Asshole. 

No discrimination against anyone, or what they wear but don’t show up in your low cut halter top with the bare midriff, or your Daddy tattoo visible. You are trying to convince them that you are responsible and mature enough to be handling a car on the roads. You don’t want them thinking you’re gonna use your car to pimp out girls or go on your daily drug run.

5. Play it Cool.

When something goes wrong in your test, don’t even react to it, if you hit the curb, or mess up your backing skills just stay calm. Don’t acknowledge, don’t apologize, don’t make a face, and don’t think that you failed right then and there. Just continue on driving/with the examination. Theres a very low chance that they didn’t see it, but don’t draw attention to it. Driving exams are a passing grade, if you do something ridiculously dangerous then yeah, they’re gonna fail you, but if you nail everything else theres a good chance you’ll still pass. But if you freak out its just going to make them scrutinize everything you do 100x more, cause now not only are you incapable of performing the skill, you’re flustered and may do something else dangerous because you’re upset.

6. The Examiner talking is a good thing. 

When I did my road test, I met my examiner and they were very nice and talked to me a little bit before the test. During the test she didn’t say a damn thing because she was marking me. I knew the exam was done when we were driving back and she started up a conversation about where her son went to school and the mutual sports he and I played. I know this contradicts the “no talking” rule but the test was over. I thought that she had failed me and had just decided that she wasn’t going to mark me anymore, so she started talking. No it was because I had finished my exam and she thought I was a good driver and just didn’t want to sit in silence for the five minute drive back to the test centre.

7. Don’t Wear work boots

I’m pretty sure it’s a rule not to wear work boots when you’re driving anyways because it messes with how you feel the break when you’re driving. Anyways, don’t wear them for that reason, I wear steel toes to work and the sole is a good two inches thick and if I rush out to get lunch it takes a minute to get used to the break again because I can’t feel my foot pushing against it like when I wear regular sneakers. There is a good chance that they will ask you to take them off.

8. Get to 100KPH/60MPH Before entering the Highway

The Maximum speed limit on the highway is the speed you should actually be driving when you merge because there are other vehicles going that fast approaching you. The highway is dangerous and you want to avoid as little accidents as possible, you cannot merge onto the highway ten below, they examiner wants you to get up to 100/60 before you merge.

 

11 Things The Overly Skinny Are Tired Of Hearing

I am one of those apparently terrible human beings that no matter what I do I cannot gain weight. Please do not comment on how I should be body positive and be extremely happy with the body I have and to shut up about wanting to gain weight. I think I am one sexy mother fucker, but I have also been bullied and ridiculed for my weight and body image.

  1. Ew.

Oh the joy of having someone grab onto my protruding hip bone and uttering the words “Ew!” Do I grab onto other peoples stomachs who happen to weigh more than me and yell EW? No, because one I am not an asshole, and two because I think everyone is beautiful in the body they have and I do not have disturbed thoughts about their bodies. But thank you to the number of people that have pointed out just how gross my ribs, my hips, my spine, and my collar bone are to you. And don’t come back to us when we get upset and say “No I’m just jealous cause you’re so skinny, I was just joking around.” No you were body shaming and now I have to go home and explain to my mom why I don’t want to wear my bathing suit in the summer anymore.

2. Are you Okay?

Recently, I was working at a festival as security and although it was hilarious to have a stick figure trying to tell 300 pound drunk men that I am going to make them leave the festival, it was also a quite awkward day when my boss asked if I was okay. Now when she came up to me and asked if I was okay I thought it was because I was standing in the pouring rain for an hour, but when I replied with “Yes I’m fine.” She proceeded to say “Oh okay just making sure because you know, you’re so tiny.” She was not referring to be being cold, or tired she was referring to the fact that working a 12 hour shift must be hard because of how skinny I look. I can confidently say that she was concerned with my health because she did not ask the other females/men standing next to me. We are fine, believe it or not, we can do everything you can do.

3. How are you so Skinny?

Simply put, I don’t know.

4. Do you eat?

That’s like asking me if I have an eating disorder and it’s extremely offensive. Yeah I eat, I eat just like every other human on this planet has to or else I’ll die.

5. You like take two bites and then you’re full.

I have never once taken two bites of something and become full. I guess people just assume that that is all the amount of food we need to survive in this world. I can eat an entire pizza in front of someone and then say I’m full and I will still hear “Well you had your two bites of food so you must me.” Sarcastic or not it still pisses us off. A good majority of us don’t eat a lot at meals, because we have been eating every twenty minutes, literally been having 3 lunches a day rather than 1 large lunch. Unless you spend an entire day with us, you are not permitted to comment on our intake of food.

6. How much do you weigh?

This is a trap. Even though its a question, you actually don’t want to know the answer, and should I answer honestly, I’m gonna piss you off. I recently had someone ask me what size I was and a girl yelled out the most honest thing I have ever heard “Don’t you dare answer that.” She was referring to the fact that my telling her my size would make her ‘upset’ but the truth is that I cannot honestly answer that question without creating at least on enemy. It’s even worse with men, I have a friend who is very naturally skinny and he hates admitting his weight because he is then ridiculed. Muscle weighs more than fat, and when he tells someone that he’s 120 pounds, they know that he ain’t skinny because he’s been working out. The meat heads at the gym all know that being 200+ pounds is muscle mass.

7. I’m so jealous.

Well guess what, I’m jealous of you. I understand that everyone wants what they don’t have and that you are just being polite and complimenting me. Thank you. Though I am jealous of your curves and none protruding hip bones so much that I am attempting everything possible to gain weight, but I can’t say anything about how jealous I am of you back because I’ll look like an ass who is just trying to make other people feel better. So I stand there and awkwardly accept your compliment, and contemplate how we can change the subject.

8. OMG! You’re so Skinny.

What? I am? Why the hell didn’t anybody tell me that? I was wondering why my teacher pulled me outside of class to discuss eating disorders with me when they thought I wasn’t eating lunch when in fact I just ate it before they came to patrol my room. It also explains why my friends play the game “Whose skinnier, you, or the mannequin?” I never would have known had it not been for your observation.

9. You’re probably one of those girls that can eat anything and never gains weight. Aren’t you?

You need to go back and read that again in the most snobbish and judgemental voice you can possibly think of. This typically happens when meeting new people, usually a friend of a friend who we won’t be seeing again, and it’s like I have been shot down right away. There is no hope of us becoming friends in the future, because even if you meant it to sound nice, it came off as you hating me. But the answer is yes I am.

10. Guys love curves. 

Thanks. I don’t have any, I know, but you know it’s cool, you can be body positive to your OWN body while shaming me. I get it people can be mean to you and call you fat, but you can come back and say “I have curves, I love my body #bodypositive #healthy” I can’t say “Men like skinny girls, they like bone #Healthy #skinnydoesitbetter” cause I’m gonna get punched, and I don’t think like that. Thank you for making me feel completely hideous to the male race because my breast size is an A cup.

11. Oh My God I’m So Fat. 

If we even attempt to deny this claim of yours one of three things happen. We are told to shut up, we are given a dirty look, or we are told “I weigh more than you, you’re like one pound.” I don’t understand how my being less weight than you completely erases me from not thinking you’re fat. What? Just because I’m skinny that automatically makes me think everyone else is fat? And I can’t come to defend you and deny the false accusations you are making about yourself? Stop calling yourself fat just because I am skinny, don’t compare yourself to me. I refuse to be the comparison you use to make yourself feel terrible. You are beautiful.

All women and men of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, it’s okay to love the body that you are in and it’s okay to wish you looked like someone else. We all want what we don’t have but it’s wrong to assume that one body type is better than another. Too many people tease me about being too skinny because they claim that they’re jealous, and they say that we shouldn’t take it seriously because we’re skinny and everyone wants to be. Well guess what your words can hurt just as badly as mine could hurt you. I get that you’re trying to be funny or complimentary but we’re sick of hearing “You’re so skinny.” just as much as you would hate hearing “You’re so fat.”

 

The High School Kid That Just Slid Through The Cracks.

Before reading, I must warn you that this is a post from the point of view of the kid that was just kinda present during your four years of high school. The kid that looking through your yearbook you cast over, or someone mentions them a few years down the road and the most you can say about them is “Oh yeah I remember them,” But really you just remember that they sat behind you in chemistry.

I was that kid, and this post would be a lot more exciting if I was prom queen, or a delinquent, or a scholar, or lead in all the plays, or a star athlete but I wasn’t.

I got good grades, but not the best. I auditioned for theatre and got rejected, I played sports but I wasn’t the best on the team. I honestly believe that I could have not gone to my high school and my absence wouldn’t have made that big an impact on life there.

I figured out I was that kid pretty early on in my high school adventure. High school is a place that once people have an idea about you, or you decide your place in the school, it is extremely hard to get out of it. I had the chance to be apart of the crowd or better looking students who liked to drink and party every weekend but I unknowingly turned it down about a month into my grade nine school year, and I also had the opportunity to become very well known that same year but I graciously bowed out of that as well.

How I figured out my role in the school was simple, I never had any drama of my own, and thrived on hearing about other peoples, I had spoken to everyone in my grade at least once, but still only had a handful of friends.

There are people that do remember though, there is the girl/guy that slept with everyone, and there was the couple that was together all four years, the hilarious kid in every class,  the kid that seemed to go out of his way to get in trouble, the person that seemed to know everything about everyone, the kid that was on their way to stardom, the really rich kid blah blah blah.

I wasn’t any of those kids. There was however one or two times when I was being discussed by other people (And I mean people outside my social group), I remember once my friend told me that another girl was implying that I was a slut, and the other time was when I challenged what a boy said in class and he went on to tell people that I yelled at him because he was embarrassed I proved him wrong.

That’s about as exciting as things got for me. For a little while I thought I was going to be labeled as a bitch though, there were many attempts of people trying to bully me, but my smart mouth usually gave them a run for there money, and although I was never looking for conflict I still wasn’t a carpet to be walked on.

I had friends that people would try to bully, and if I stood up for them then I was called a bitch and ‘Crazy’. One time this girl thought myself and all my friends were super weird so she sat at our table as a joke as her friends watched and laughed, as a result I told her to fuck off, (After I politely asked her to not try and make a mockery and joke out of my friends by just sitting with us.) and she lost her mind, called me a bitch and stomped back to her friends to rip on me.

That’s it.

I wasn’t even a weird kid, you know those kids in school that everyone just kinda labeled as a dork, weird or gross and did their best to avoid in any way possible? That wasn’t me either, they sat at the table next to us and my god people would avoid them like the plague.

My high school was mostly just groups of friends, and if the groups had to mix for school reasons then we were all pretty nice to one another for the most part but it was never a permanent thing. I kinda just ghosted through high school, listening to people complain and gossip about things that I didn’t really find all that important or interesting, I was never the talk of the school, I had some teachers that really liked me and others that I’m pretty sure hated me.

When I look back on my time in high school, there is no doubting that it could have been better, but it also could have been a lot worse. I like to think that I just kinda escaped without anyone taking interest.

I slid through the cracks, I left high school without being properly humiliated or celebrated and to all those kids that did as well then I salute you.

I used to wish I had been more exciting, or talked about or well liked, but I’m counting this as a blessing.

High school sucked, I’m glad I won’t be remembered as a large part of it.

 

Life Lessons for the Pale

I have been asked by doctors if I have recently been undergoing some blood work, and if not maybe I should get some done, because my pale skin alarms them. I had a doctor ask if I had a heavy flow because that may be the reason I am so sickly pale. No doctor, I have always been this pale. If you have ever had one of these encounters please know that you do not stand alone.

First life lesson, apparently we can look like we have been drained of our blood and some people are going to be concerned, just gracefully set them straight.

I wouldn’t say I am the palest that we come but I am one of those pales that could be mistaken for a vampire very easily. I am also one of those people that is pale all year round, my tan might bring me to the skin colour of a normal human being but it is a rare occurrence. There are some pale people in this world that I think I can relate to but come summer they change three ethnicities and then I want to slap the tan right off them.

Growing up pale is a lifestyle and I have learned some life lessons, so sit back and get ready because I’m about to blow you tan assholes minds.

The biggest question I get is “why don’t you tan?” the answer to that is because I am scared. Summer terrifies me because on the first day I decided to venture out into the world I will get burned. It doesn’t matter how much sunblock I wear, or how often I put it on, doesn’t matter if I spend most of the day in the shade, I am going to burn and burn badly. So I typically attempt to avoid that day as much as possible and the only way to do that is to try and avoid my first contact with summer for as long as I can. Once I fatally endure my full body burn and I heal, I can slowly make my way back into summer activities, I’m still gonna burn but at least the first time is done and over with. So why don’t I lay out in the sun other than burning? Well I do lay out in the sun and attempt to tan, in fact I got a bit of a Tan yesterday but you would never know because two shades darker than was is still described as translucent.

Spray tans, why the hell didn’t I think of that? I have not gotten a spray tan but I have watched others of my species do so, and it looks great, until It comes off. I’ve seen it rub off and no one recognizes you after you scrub it off, or it comes off in patches, or it sweats off and you end up looking like goddamned Neapolitan ice cream, you got fake tan, you burn and your pale ass skin. Also I’m broke, I don’t have the money to retouch up my tan every other day.

Life lesson learned, I’m not gonna be tan under any circumstances.

I am such a person that goes to the gym and hates it, one because I fully believe that cardio and lifting should have been deleted from our DNA around the same time we discovered fire, but also because although I am a avid gym goer you would never think so because of how pale I am.

You think thats ridiculous? Look at all the fitness models, and fitness instagram wonders of our world, what do they all have in common? They’re all better looking than me, and they’re all tan.

I’m sure theres a hidden pale girl in there somewhere trying to trick everyone but if you could make yourself known that’d be freaking fantastic because I got some questions for you.

Just a side note as well, when you see us in the gym and our faces are all red and it looks like we’re about to pass the fuck out, or you think our face is that red because we’re out of shape or holding our breath, don’t worry I’m just pale.

Life lesson; Never gonna be a fitness goddess, or inspiration.

Makeup.

Lord how I loathe makeup when it comes to my skin. Let’s start off with the redness in our skin, I so much as touch my face and I am left with a red mark for well over an hour, so I need something to cover it up.

Now I understand that every female has troubles finding colours to match their skin tones, even more so many of my african american girl friends can’t find colours to match their skin, so its a fucking bitch session when we go to the makeup counter together.

First you have to find a brand you like and 90% of the time you find one and they don’t have your shade, and you ask for help and the ladies completely screw you over.

I went to sephora to pick a foundation for my skin and I told her. “It’s for prom, I don’t care what brand it is so long as it matches my skin tone.” and then she took this little machine that looks like an ear thermometer and put it on my skin and I was like Hell yeah, she’s gonna get this right. The she came back with a couple things and put them on my face and the terrible lighting in that place made it look like it could pass so I bought it. I stepped outside and my face was orange. And I knew it was orange because when I wiped it off with a tissue it looked like it does when I wipe cheeto dust off my fingers.

I have found foundations for my skin colour, but they’re not an all day thing, twice I have fallen down the rabbit hole of embarrassment and come home to find out that my makeup had oxidized and was now too dark for my skin.

Tried a dark smokey eye once and I looked like a creature of the undead, and nude lipsticks aren’t a thing in our world because we just look ridiculous. If you’re a pale girl trying to rock a nude lip I support you and your dreams but this is an intervention you would think white goes with everything but it doesn’t. I’m not trying to be mean, but to me it just looks weird, but we can rock the dark and bold lip colours.

Life lesson: Makeup is slowly killing us mentally and physically.

I am unconsciously very motherly about other peoples skin habits.

“What the hell do you mean your sunscreen is only SPF 30? That’s milk.” “You’re gonna burn put sunscreen on.” “You need to wear a hat”  “It’s been ten minutes its time to reapply” ”

Life lesson: I’m gonna be a good mother.

Having to deal with the Tan bitches is the worst, because every tan girl is so damn proud of it and make us feel inferior. While they’re golden goddesses and we are ice queens they still manage to make us feel like there’s something wrong with us because we can’t get a tan.

I’ve had people say “I think it’s just gross when someone doesn’t have a little bit of colour.” or “It’s healthy to get some sun’ and my favourite. “I’d even rather be burned than pale.”

Is my skin actually see through? I mean do they not see this pale chick sitting beside them when they say that? They are indirectly being mean but heaven forbid I say something about not wanting skin cancer, or the wrinkles you can get from the sun, or how I might actually like my skin the way it is. Because I am wrong no matter what, they go crazy.

(I know that there are plenty of wonderfully pleasant tan people in this world and this is not directed at you but to those that give you a bad name)

Life lesson: Tan people are mean, but we are their friends.

There are plenty of other lessons the that pale people come to understand but guess what, if you’re pale you probably already figured them all out.

Pale and fucking proud.

 

 

Second Puberty

I am extremely apologetic to the prepubescent individuals in the world, puberty is coming shortly for you all and although you may be excited you are in for a rude awakening for what it holds. I am equally apologetic to those that have passed through puberty and survived, because it does not end there.

Second puberty is different for every person that experiences it, and unlike the first one, you are not anxiously anticipating for it to happen and receiving congratulations and great praise on becoming a man and a woman.

No second puberty is a dark and horrifying time that you endure on your own, because everyone experiences it at a different time.

You can remember puberty being your awkward stages when you were younger, acne, growth spurts, bullying, name calling, breast enlargement, voice cracks, bleeding, disgusting body hair, equally disgusting facial hair, extreme hungry, and getting turned on by the weirdest things, it was not the magical time your parents promised it would be.

Now I was one of those females that crashed into puberty head on without any clue what was happening, yes my mother did TELL me what was going to happen, but I fully believed that your period came one time, on one day in the month and then waited until the next month. You can understand my shock when it happened again only a few hours later, and my dumbass must have ruined about eight pairs of underwear until I figured it out.

Because of my terrifying experience you can imagine my anger when puberty seemed to strike again in my 20’s. Ladies and gentlemen because of my horrible experiences through puberty I am here to help you through your tough journey through second puberty.

It happens at a different time for everyone, the same as first puberty, and myself being a late bloomer for that event, I never expected to be an early bloomer for part two.

Second puberty can best be described as; feeling exhausted all the time (even after 20 hours of sleep), constantly forgetting at least one thing at home every time you leave, feeling overly stressed about things you have to do and not doing them, or feeling completely stressed about all the work you have to do when in fact you don’t have anything to do, wearing pyjamas in the outside world, not showering or shaving for two weeks and not give a shit, having people tell you you look different when in fact all you have done is let your hair down from its usual bun, becoming addicted to a single snack or beverage and having it 6 times a day for up to two months. Going out on a Saturday night feels like a chore, wanting to be around everyone and no one at the same time, paying some kind of bill, and/or not caring if you fail at something but at the same time really caring if you fail at it.

From my understanding, it usually happens during or shortly after college, and the fact is that you can’t stop it, you can’t avoid it, and it can last from anywhere between a week to four years.

Second puberty for me is currently still happening and I am working through it as best as I can. Many traits I used to have like wanting to go out and actually look somewhat respectable in the outside world have been deleted. My vocabulary has developed significantly but the words “fuck” and “bitch”  have replaced my punctuation. I am a grown up, but I still feel like I need to seek out a more adult like figure to accompany in choice making and my mother and father still have to book my doctors appointments.

I view second puberty as almost like human evolution but instead of becoming a higher and more developed version of myself, I am making the transition from non functioning adult, to somewhat adequately functioning adult.

In this time period you will learn things like how to pay a bill, sew a button, rent a car, pay taxes, change a tire, make something other than Mr noodles, write a resume, plan a trip, pump gas, and how much cat food costs.

You will also do things like: get in the shower with your pants on and proceed to continue shower once you’ve noticed, buy two items at a grocery store and turn that into meals for two weeks, use makeup that is no one knows how old, cry when TV shows come to an end, become emotionally attached to inanimate objects, and develop irrational hatreds for people with allergies to strawberries. You’ll do a bunch of weird shit that actually doesn’t have a viable explanation as to why you did it, and receive lots of judgement for.

It’s okay though, you know why? Because it’s second puberty and pretty soon they’re gonna go through it too, and understand your antics.

Do not be alarmed from what I understand those that go through second puberty emerge  like a butterfly, but instead of a butterfly you’re gonna be a functioning adult after this, or at least be able to fake it. Second puberty is all about becoming a complete hot mess and screw up so that when you’re ready for the real world you can actually survive.

Don’t get second puberty confused with the mistakes you make with drugs, alcohol and sex, because thats all just the universe having fun with you and laughing at the choices you make.

So if you feel like a total mess, and a screw up and maybe even a little bit chaotic and not caring about it,  it’s okay. It’s just second puberty. You’ll push past it, and now you have something to blame rather than yourself.

Get excited ladies and gentlemen you’re in for one hell of a ride.

 

 

 

People I don’t understand.

The first type of person that I do not understand is the person that seems to spend their entire life travelling. I understand that some people just save up a lot of money, or they are a travel blogger and thats their profession, or some people are just rich and can have luxury of taking eleven vacations in a year.

But how the hell does a 21 year old, in the same program as me, working apparently a full time summer job, paying their own bills, and have their own car have not only the resources, but the time to freaking travel.

It takes me over three months, lots of begging, and shift changes just to get two days off of work, yet somehow they are able to get off two weeks every few months? No.

Half the time I don’t even know its happening, I open snapchat and see “Just booked my flight for the Bahamas!” and then on instagram that same day I find out they just got home from New York and California yesterday. Their Facebook is filled with tons of vacation pictures on the beach and at the biggest tourist places in the world, and I spent the last year working everyday at Sportchek and working as a first aid responder on the weekends and still only have 100 dollars to my name.

The worst part about it is, that they’re always travelling with friends. . .  . like there are more of you? Not only do you have this kind of amazing superpower to have all the time and money in the world to travel, but you also have a friend to do it with too? Where are you working that you are able to do that? Cause I know in September until May you are not working, you are struggling with me in class trying to remember all the drug names and classifications.

That gives them four months to work (Take away the month they are apparently using to travel in), and somehow they are making enough money to survive for the other eight. I am dumbfounded and a little amazed. PLEASE SHARE WITH ME YOUR SECRET.

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The second person that I do not understand is those that are rude to those working in customer service, I have worked customer since I was old enough to get a job, and I am just a little confused as to why anyone would be rude to us.

I get it, everyone has a bad day and coming into a fast food restaurant and not being able to get your Ice cream is very upsetting, or you wanted to pick up your sister that pink shirt for her birthday and we are out of her size. These things are frustrating for the person whose house flooded and their bird caught fire that same day. I am an understanding person, you can be upset then.

Although there are people who come in with the most ridiculous complaints and get mad for the most ridiculous reasons. I will now list off a few things that people should NOT be allowed to yell at someone for.

Your plants died a month after buying them, you wore those running shoes through a mud run and we won’t return them, your coupon has expired, our sale is no longer running, our debit machine is broken, we don’t accept 200 dollar bills, you lost your receipt and we won’t take it back, something is out of stock, we put pickles on your burger when you did not ask us not to put them on, it will take 20 mins to give you 100 chicken nuggets, the shirt we could only hold for 2 days is no longer on hold because you came in a week later, you broke your phone and did not sign up for a protection plan, I am helping another customer while you chose to ignore me and take a phone call, you have been in line for ten minutes, you are in a line with five other people and another register is not open because either the other cashier has not arrived yet or are busy with something else, We don’t price match, you pressed the help wanted button eight times in two minutes and it took us more than 20 seconds to respond, you don’t have enough change, the prices went up.

Just to name a few.

I have not only been yelled at but been in the presence of someone yelling at a worker and it pisses me off. If I ever go on a date with someone and they are rude to the waiter I will goddamn leave, if someone yells at a cashier about them being the only cash open after they called for someone else to come five times I’ll slap them. If someone shows attitude to a call centre advisor I’ll hang up on them myself.

People do not get paid enough to be constantly yelled at. And the people that yell the most? Middle aged men and women.

Occasionally yes, it is the young asshole showing some attitude and the elderly become annoyed, but I just see young people as being ignorant and the elderly are usually just confused and want to move on, but it’s the moms and dads of this world that are just so fucking ignorant.

Which I don’t get, have you never worked customer service in your life? Because my parents are always telling me about how hard they worked and the shitty ass jobs they did growing up. Even if you haven’t, you have never had a person in your life; a child, a friend, a cousin, a sister, an acquaintance, that has told you stories about ridiculous and rude customers?

Well if they have, they’re talking about people like you.

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Number three would have to be twelve year olds.

I can admit this, I was a little shit when I was twelve, and I guarantee you were a little shit when you were twelve, we all were. Twelve is the worst age in the world for kids, I have already made it very clear to my boyfriend that if we ever got married and had a kid, they will either be sent away or locked up for there entirety of their twelfth year.

I don’t know what it is, maybe its being a year away from being a teenager, or maybe its puberty hitting but my god twelve year olds are the worst human beings in the world.

Why are they always so rude? Why are they always so angry? Why are they just so terrible with everything they say and do?

If you have ever been disrespected by a kid either just being rude, or pushing you, or talking in a very ignorant way I can guarantee that they were twelve.

Couldn’t have been an eleven year old, they’re still young enough to be innocent and be scared and intimidated of us 20 year olds. Couldn’t have been thirteen, they’re too concerned with what everyone else thinks that to be embarrassed by a 20 year old is so mortifying that they avoid it the best they can. But 12 year olds, my god its like they are immune to everything and anything around them. They don’t have a filter and they definitely don’t have any kind of remorse. I really think they’re like a higher power being immune to all human morals and decent behaviour.

I have yet to break down the inner workings that is the twelve year old.

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Coming in at number four is people who get offended by women breastfeeding in public.

I know this became a huge worldwide thing on the internet and social media but it needs to be revisited.

I sort of understand just simply because I do not want women flashing their breasts in my face, and since I live near a large city it’s not uncommon for that kind of thing to happen. There are a lot of weirdos out there, but a woman who is feeding their hungry infant is not whipping out her breasts just to show them off and make you uncomfortable, the baby is hungry.

My sibling told me about a time that a woman was breastfeeding on the patio at her work and not just one person but a few people came in and actually asked her to go out and request the woman to leave. When she told me that I thought she was joking but she wasn’t the woman was sitting in a chair on the patio with a covering over her, to shield her baby and breasts from the world and people wanted her to leave.

Of course since my sister is not an asshole, she refused and told the customers that if they were uncomfortable then they could leave.

I don’t get why it’s such an huge issue for a woman to perform such a natural thing.

I’ve had people say, “Well why can’t they just use a bottle?” and my response to that is “Well why can’t you not be an asshole?” The answer to both those is, “They don’t want to, and they don’t have to.” If you can be so unbelievably arrogant, disrespectful and down right close-minded because its your right to feel that way, then it is a woman’s right to be able to breastfeed without your commentary, because they want to, and because they can.

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Number six: Movie Goers that comment on movies they have no context about.

The simplest way to explain this is that I will go see a movie based on lets say world war two, I took history in school so obviously I have some basic knowledge on the subject but I ain’t gonna go shooting off my mouth to someone with a degree in history about how historically accurate the plot was.

Now I’m not saying that people who didn’t spend their lives studying a subject shouldn’t see a movie about it, I’m saying do not argue with people about how good the movie was just because your favourite actor was in it.

You can share your opinions on whether or not you enjoyed a movie and give your own educational thoughts, You are allowed to like a movie no one else did.

The most recent example I can think of is suicide squad, and to the person that did not grow up reading the comic books it was a great movie. To myself, someone who did grow up around the comic book world, I think it was terrible.

There were some great things about it, I mean Will Smith as Dead Shot, I think was an amazing casting and I also loved who they chose to play captain boomerang, and I even think Margot Robbie did a good job as Harley Quinn. My biggest complaint is the relationship they portrayed between Harley and the Joker, because their relationship is not a love story. It was never a love story, the Joker was abusive to her, kicking her out, punching her in the face, verbally abusing her the list goes on and on and because of this it displays just how messed up Harley’s mind really is. In the movie they imply that the reason she is so crazy is because the Joker tortured her with electroshock therapy, which did not happen.

What really gets me going in the people that comment and say tell me that the Joker was amazing to Harley, and that they wish they had a love like that, and their knowledge is only based on one single movie rather than the education of the entrée franchise.

It happens all the time with me, but it’s mostly happening with super hero movies because that’s whats popular right now. Why do people feel like they know everything once they see a single movie and feel the need to comment and make an ass out of themselves.

Deadpool for instance, there were so many social media posts, radio and TV announcements prior to the movie coming out about how it was not a movie for kids. Parents ignored the R rating and took their kids there and then started bitching about the obscene content. If you had done even the slightest bit of research you would know that Deadpool is not a superhero, he is an antihero and his personality and antics portrayed in the movie is exactly how he is in the comics.

So to sum it up, I don’t understand people who think they are an expect after watching a single movie.

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The last type of people I don’t understand are Friendship enders.

Occasionally there is someone so fucking terrible in your life and you gotta cut the ties right then and there. I’m talking about the people that actually feel the need to verbally end a friendship.

Why does someone have to call the other one up and declare “We are no longer friends.”

People drift apart, people move, people get new friends, and people stop liking other people. Let the friendship casually and gracefully come to a close, let them fade into the distance and move on with your life.

I’ve personally had this happen enough times, I ain’t friends with the people I met in kindergarten, and I think I’m only in contact with three people from high school still, everyone else just kinda vanished, and we were both okay with it.

There was no need to call up someone and say “Okay we don’t really talk anymore or see each other since you moved across the world so I am going to officially end this friendship. As of April 16th 2017 I Betty and you Carlos are no longer friends.”

I mean no one actually does that but you get what I mean. Why does there have to be someone that decided that the friendship wasn’t working anymore? In my opinion it’s kinda immature and pathetic that you have to announce that you were the one that ended it.

It’s like a breakup when you’re twelve and you have to let everyone know that you were the dumper not the one that got dumped.

I don’t get it.