Life Lessons for the Pale

I have been asked by doctors if I have recently been undergoing some blood work, and if not maybe I should get some done, because my pale skin alarms them. I had a doctor ask if I had a heavy flow because that may be the reason I am so sickly pale. No doctor, I have always been this pale. If you have ever had one of these encounters please know that you do not stand alone.

First life lesson, apparently we can look like we have been drained of our blood and some people are going to be concerned, just gracefully set them straight.

I wouldn’t say I am the palest that we come but I am one of those pales that could be mistaken for a vampire very easily. I am also one of those people that is pale all year round, my tan might bring me to the skin colour of a normal human being but it is a rare occurrence. There are some pale people in this world that I think I can relate to but come summer they change three ethnicities and then I want to slap the tan right off them.

Growing up pale is a lifestyle and I have learned some life lessons, so sit back and get ready because I’m about to blow you tan assholes minds.

The biggest question I get is “why don’t you tan?” the answer to that is because I am scared. Summer terrifies me because on the first day I decided to venture out into the world I will get burned. It doesn’t matter how much sunblock I wear, or how often I put it on, doesn’t matter if I spend most of the day in the shade, I am going to burn and burn badly. So I typically attempt to avoid that day as much as possible and the only way to do that is to try and avoid my first contact with summer for as long as I can. Once I fatally endure my full body burn and I heal, I can slowly make my way back into summer activities, I’m still gonna burn but at least the first time is done and over with. So why don’t I lay out in the sun other than burning? Well I do lay out in the sun and attempt to tan, in fact I got a bit of a Tan yesterday but you would never know because two shades darker than was is still described as translucent.

Spray tans, why the hell didn’t I think of that? I have not gotten a spray tan but I have watched others of my species do so, and it looks great, until It comes off. I’ve seen it rub off and no one recognizes you after you scrub it off, or it comes off in patches, or it sweats off and you end up looking like goddamned Neapolitan ice cream, you got fake tan, you burn and your pale ass skin. Also I’m broke, I don’t have the money to retouch up my tan every other day.

Life lesson learned, I’m not gonna be tan under any circumstances.

I am such a person that goes to the gym and hates it, one because I fully believe that cardio and lifting should have been deleted from our DNA around the same time we discovered fire, but also because although I am a avid gym goer you would never think so because of how pale I am.

You think thats ridiculous? Look at all the fitness models, and fitness instagram wonders of our world, what do they all have in common? They’re all better looking than me, and they’re all tan.

I’m sure theres a hidden pale girl in there somewhere trying to trick everyone but if you could make yourself known that’d be freaking fantastic because I got some questions for you.

Just a side note as well, when you see us in the gym and our faces are all red and it looks like we’re about to pass the fuck out, or you think our face is that red because we’re out of shape or holding our breath, don’t worry I’m just pale.

Life lesson; Never gonna be a fitness goddess, or inspiration.


Lord how I loathe makeup when it comes to my skin. Let’s start off with the redness in our skin, I so much as touch my face and I am left with a red mark for well over an hour, so I need something to cover it up.

Now I understand that every female has troubles finding colours to match their skin tones, even more so many of my african american girl friends can’t find colours to match their skin, so its a fucking bitch session when we go to the makeup counter together.

First you have to find a brand you like and 90% of the time you find one and they don’t have your shade, and you ask for help and the ladies completely screw you over.

I went to sephora to pick a foundation for my skin and I told her. “It’s for prom, I don’t care what brand it is so long as it matches my skin tone.” and then she took this little machine that looks like an ear thermometer and put it on my skin and I was like Hell yeah, she’s gonna get this right. The she came back with a couple things and put them on my face and the terrible lighting in that place made it look like it could pass so I bought it. I stepped outside and my face was orange. And I knew it was orange because when I wiped it off with a tissue it looked like it does when I wipe cheeto dust off my fingers.

I have found foundations for my skin colour, but they’re not an all day thing, twice I have fallen down the rabbit hole of embarrassment and come home to find out that my makeup had oxidized and was now too dark for my skin.

Tried a dark smokey eye once and I looked like a creature of the undead, and nude lipsticks aren’t a thing in our world because we just look ridiculous. If you’re a pale girl trying to rock a nude lip I support you and your dreams but this is an intervention you would think white goes with everything but it doesn’t. I’m not trying to be mean, but to me it just looks weird, but we can rock the dark and bold lip colours.

Life lesson: Makeup is slowly killing us mentally and physically.

I am unconsciously very motherly about other peoples skin habits.

“What the hell do you mean your sunscreen is only SPF 30? That’s milk.” “You’re gonna burn put sunscreen on.” “You need to wear a hat”  “It’s been ten minutes its time to reapply” ”

Life lesson: I’m gonna be a good mother.

Having to deal with the Tan bitches is the worst, because every tan girl is so damn proud of it and make us feel inferior. While they’re golden goddesses and we are ice queens they still manage to make us feel like there’s something wrong with us because we can’t get a tan.

I’ve had people say “I think it’s just gross when someone doesn’t have a little bit of colour.” or “It’s healthy to get some sun’ and my favourite. “I’d even rather be burned than pale.”

Is my skin actually see through? I mean do they not see this pale chick sitting beside them when they say that? They are indirectly being mean but heaven forbid I say something about not wanting skin cancer, or the wrinkles you can get from the sun, or how I might actually like my skin the way it is. Because I am wrong no matter what, they go crazy.

(I know that there are plenty of wonderfully pleasant tan people in this world and this is not directed at you but to those that give you a bad name)

Life lesson: Tan people are mean, but we are their friends.

There are plenty of other lessons the that pale people come to understand but guess what, if you’re pale you probably already figured them all out.

Pale and fucking proud.




Second Puberty

I am extremely apologetic to the prepubescent individuals in the world, puberty is coming shortly for you all and although you may be excited you are in for a rude awakening for what it holds. I am equally apologetic to those that have passed through puberty and survived, because it does not end there.

Second puberty is different for every person that experiences it, and unlike the first one, you are not anxiously anticipating for it to happen and receiving congratulations and great praise on becoming a man and a woman.

No second puberty is a dark and horrifying time that you endure on your own, because everyone experiences it at a different time.

You can remember puberty being your awkward stages when you were younger, acne, growth spurts, bullying, name calling, breast enlargement, voice cracks, bleeding, disgusting body hair, equally disgusting facial hair, extreme hungry, and getting turned on by the weirdest things, it was not the magical time your parents promised it would be.

Now I was one of those females that crashed into puberty head on without any clue what was happening, yes my mother did TELL me what was going to happen, but I fully believed that your period came one time, on one day in the month and then waited until the next month. You can understand my shock when it happened again only a few hours later, and my dumbass must have ruined about eight pairs of underwear until I figured it out.

Because of my terrifying experience you can imagine my anger when puberty seemed to strike again in my 20’s. Ladies and gentlemen because of my horrible experiences through puberty I am here to help you through your tough journey through second puberty.

It happens at a different time for everyone, the same as first puberty, and myself being a late bloomer for that event, I never expected to be an early bloomer for part two.

Second puberty can best be described as; feeling exhausted all the time (even after 20 hours of sleep), constantly forgetting at least one thing at home every time you leave, feeling overly stressed about things you have to do and not doing them, or feeling completely stressed about all the work you have to do when in fact you don’t have anything to do, wearing pyjamas in the outside world, not showering or shaving for two weeks and not give a shit, having people tell you you look different when in fact all you have done is let your hair down from its usual bun, becoming addicted to a single snack or beverage and having it 6 times a day for up to two months. Going out on a Saturday night feels like a chore, wanting to be around everyone and no one at the same time, paying some kind of bill, and/or not caring if you fail at something but at the same time really caring if you fail at it.

From my understanding, it usually happens during or shortly after college, and the fact is that you can’t stop it, you can’t avoid it, and it can last from anywhere between a week to four years.

Second puberty for me is currently still happening and I am working through it as best as I can. Many traits I used to have like wanting to go out and actually look somewhat respectable in the outside world have been deleted. My vocabulary has developed significantly but the words “fuck” and “bitch”  have replaced my punctuation. I am a grown up, but I still feel like I need to seek out a more adult like figure to accompany in choice making and my mother and father still have to book my doctors appointments.

I view second puberty as almost like human evolution but instead of becoming a higher and more developed version of myself, I am making the transition from non functioning adult, to somewhat adequately functioning adult.

In this time period you will learn things like how to pay a bill, sew a button, rent a car, pay taxes, change a tire, make something other than Mr noodles, write a resume, plan a trip, pump gas, and how much cat food costs.

You will also do things like: get in the shower with your pants on and proceed to continue shower once you’ve noticed, buy two items at a grocery store and turn that into meals for two weeks, use makeup that is no one knows how old, cry when TV shows come to an end, become emotionally attached to inanimate objects, and develop irrational hatreds for people with allergies to strawberries. You’ll do a bunch of weird shit that actually doesn’t have a viable explanation as to why you did it, and receive lots of judgement for.

It’s okay though, you know why? Because it’s second puberty and pretty soon they’re gonna go through it too, and understand your antics.

Do not be alarmed from what I understand those that go through second puberty emerge  like a butterfly, but instead of a butterfly you’re gonna be a functioning adult after this, or at least be able to fake it. Second puberty is all about becoming a complete hot mess and screw up so that when you’re ready for the real world you can actually survive.

Don’t get second puberty confused with the mistakes you make with drugs, alcohol and sex, because thats all just the universe having fun with you and laughing at the choices you make.

So if you feel like a total mess, and a screw up and maybe even a little bit chaotic and not caring about it,  it’s okay. It’s just second puberty. You’ll push past it, and now you have something to blame rather than yourself.

Get excited ladies and gentlemen you’re in for one hell of a ride.




People I don’t understand.

The first type of person that I do not understand is the person that seems to spend their entire life travelling. I understand that some people just save up a lot of money, or they are a travel blogger and thats their profession, or some people are just rich and can have luxury of taking eleven vacations in a year.

But how the hell does a 21 year old, in the same program as me, working apparently a full time summer job, paying their own bills, and have their own car have not only the resources, but the time to freaking travel.

It takes me over three months, lots of begging, and shift changes just to get two days off of work, yet somehow they are able to get off two weeks every few months? No.

Half the time I don’t even know its happening, I open snapchat and see “Just booked my flight for the Bahamas!” and then on instagram that same day I find out they just got home from New York and California yesterday. Their Facebook is filled with tons of vacation pictures on the beach and at the biggest tourist places in the world, and I spent the last year working everyday at Sportchek and working as a first aid responder on the weekends and still only have 100 dollars to my name.

The worst part about it is, that they’re always travelling with friends. . .  . like there are more of you? Not only do you have this kind of amazing superpower to have all the time and money in the world to travel, but you also have a friend to do it with too? Where are you working that you are able to do that? Cause I know in September until May you are not working, you are struggling with me in class trying to remember all the drug names and classifications.

That gives them four months to work (Take away the month they are apparently using to travel in), and somehow they are making enough money to survive for the other eight. I am dumbfounded and a little amazed. PLEASE SHARE WITH ME YOUR SECRET.


The second person that I do not understand is those that are rude to those working in customer service, I have worked customer since I was old enough to get a job, and I am just a little confused as to why anyone would be rude to us.

I get it, everyone has a bad day and coming into a fast food restaurant and not being able to get your Ice cream is very upsetting, or you wanted to pick up your sister that pink shirt for her birthday and we are out of her size. These things are frustrating for the person whose house flooded and their bird caught fire that same day. I am an understanding person, you can be upset then.

Although there are people who come in with the most ridiculous complaints and get mad for the most ridiculous reasons. I will now list off a few things that people should NOT be allowed to yell at someone for.

Your plants died a month after buying them, you wore those running shoes through a mud run and we won’t return them, your coupon has expired, our sale is no longer running, our debit machine is broken, we don’t accept 200 dollar bills, you lost your receipt and we won’t take it back, something is out of stock, we put pickles on your burger when you did not ask us not to put them on, it will take 20 mins to give you 100 chicken nuggets, the shirt we could only hold for 2 days is no longer on hold because you came in a week later, you broke your phone and did not sign up for a protection plan, I am helping another customer while you chose to ignore me and take a phone call, you have been in line for ten minutes, you are in a line with five other people and another register is not open because either the other cashier has not arrived yet or are busy with something else, We don’t price match, you pressed the help wanted button eight times in two minutes and it took us more than 20 seconds to respond, you don’t have enough change, the prices went up.

Just to name a few.

I have not only been yelled at but been in the presence of someone yelling at a worker and it pisses me off. If I ever go on a date with someone and they are rude to the waiter I will goddamn leave, if someone yells at a cashier about them being the only cash open after they called for someone else to come five times I’ll slap them. If someone shows attitude to a call centre advisor I’ll hang up on them myself.

People do not get paid enough to be constantly yelled at. And the people that yell the most? Middle aged men and women.

Occasionally yes, it is the young asshole showing some attitude and the elderly become annoyed, but I just see young people as being ignorant and the elderly are usually just confused and want to move on, but it’s the moms and dads of this world that are just so fucking ignorant.

Which I don’t get, have you never worked customer service in your life? Because my parents are always telling me about how hard they worked and the shitty ass jobs they did growing up. Even if you haven’t, you have never had a person in your life; a child, a friend, a cousin, a sister, an acquaintance, that has told you stories about ridiculous and rude customers?

Well if they have, they’re talking about people like you.


Number three would have to be twelve year olds.

I can admit this, I was a little shit when I was twelve, and I guarantee you were a little shit when you were twelve, we all were. Twelve is the worst age in the world for kids, I have already made it very clear to my boyfriend that if we ever got married and had a kid, they will either be sent away or locked up for there entirety of their twelfth year.

I don’t know what it is, maybe its being a year away from being a teenager, or maybe its puberty hitting but my god twelve year olds are the worst human beings in the world.

Why are they always so rude? Why are they always so angry? Why are they just so terrible with everything they say and do?

If you have ever been disrespected by a kid either just being rude, or pushing you, or talking in a very ignorant way I can guarantee that they were twelve.

Couldn’t have been an eleven year old, they’re still young enough to be innocent and be scared and intimidated of us 20 year olds. Couldn’t have been thirteen, they’re too concerned with what everyone else thinks that to be embarrassed by a 20 year old is so mortifying that they avoid it the best they can. But 12 year olds, my god its like they are immune to everything and anything around them. They don’t have a filter and they definitely don’t have any kind of remorse. I really think they’re like a higher power being immune to all human morals and decent behaviour.

I have yet to break down the inner workings that is the twelve year old.


Coming in at number four is people who get offended by women breastfeeding in public.

I know this became a huge worldwide thing on the internet and social media but it needs to be revisited.

I sort of understand just simply because I do not want women flashing their breasts in my face, and since I live near a large city it’s not uncommon for that kind of thing to happen. There are a lot of weirdos out there, but a woman who is feeding their hungry infant is not whipping out her breasts just to show them off and make you uncomfortable, the baby is hungry.

My sibling told me about a time that a woman was breastfeeding on the patio at her work and not just one person but a few people came in and actually asked her to go out and request the woman to leave. When she told me that I thought she was joking but she wasn’t the woman was sitting in a chair on the patio with a covering over her, to shield her baby and breasts from the world and people wanted her to leave.

Of course since my sister is not an asshole, she refused and told the customers that if they were uncomfortable then they could leave.

I don’t get why it’s such an huge issue for a woman to perform such a natural thing.

I’ve had people say, “Well why can’t they just use a bottle?” and my response to that is “Well why can’t you not be an asshole?” The answer to both those is, “They don’t want to, and they don’t have to.” If you can be so unbelievably arrogant, disrespectful and down right close-minded because its your right to feel that way, then it is a woman’s right to be able to breastfeed without your commentary, because they want to, and because they can.


Number six: Movie Goers that comment on movies they have no context about.

The simplest way to explain this is that I will go see a movie based on lets say world war two, I took history in school so obviously I have some basic knowledge on the subject but I ain’t gonna go shooting off my mouth to someone with a degree in history about how historically accurate the plot was.

Now I’m not saying that people who didn’t spend their lives studying a subject shouldn’t see a movie about it, I’m saying do not argue with people about how good the movie was just because your favourite actor was in it.

You can share your opinions on whether or not you enjoyed a movie and give your own educational thoughts, You are allowed to like a movie no one else did.

The most recent example I can think of is suicide squad, and to the person that did not grow up reading the comic books it was a great movie. To myself, someone who did grow up around the comic book world, I think it was terrible.

There were some great things about it, I mean Will Smith as Dead Shot, I think was an amazing casting and I also loved who they chose to play captain boomerang, and I even think Margot Robbie did a good job as Harley Quinn. My biggest complaint is the relationship they portrayed between Harley and the Joker, because their relationship is not a love story. It was never a love story, the Joker was abusive to her, kicking her out, punching her in the face, verbally abusing her the list goes on and on and because of this it displays just how messed up Harley’s mind really is. In the movie they imply that the reason she is so crazy is because the Joker tortured her with electroshock therapy, which did not happen.

What really gets me going in the people that comment and say tell me that the Joker was amazing to Harley, and that they wish they had a love like that, and their knowledge is only based on one single movie rather than the education of the entrée franchise.

It happens all the time with me, but it’s mostly happening with super hero movies because that’s whats popular right now. Why do people feel like they know everything once they see a single movie and feel the need to comment and make an ass out of themselves.

Deadpool for instance, there were so many social media posts, radio and TV announcements prior to the movie coming out about how it was not a movie for kids. Parents ignored the R rating and took their kids there and then started bitching about the obscene content. If you had done even the slightest bit of research you would know that Deadpool is not a superhero, he is an antihero and his personality and antics portrayed in the movie is exactly how he is in the comics.

So to sum it up, I don’t understand people who think they are an expect after watching a single movie.


The last type of people I don’t understand are Friendship enders.

Occasionally there is someone so fucking terrible in your life and you gotta cut the ties right then and there. I’m talking about the people that actually feel the need to verbally end a friendship.

Why does someone have to call the other one up and declare “We are no longer friends.”

People drift apart, people move, people get new friends, and people stop liking other people. Let the friendship casually and gracefully come to a close, let them fade into the distance and move on with your life.

I’ve personally had this happen enough times, I ain’t friends with the people I met in kindergarten, and I think I’m only in contact with three people from high school still, everyone else just kinda vanished, and we were both okay with it.

There was no need to call up someone and say “Okay we don’t really talk anymore or see each other since you moved across the world so I am going to officially end this friendship. As of April 16th 2017 I Betty and you Carlos are no longer friends.”

I mean no one actually does that but you get what I mean. Why does there have to be someone that decided that the friendship wasn’t working anymore? In my opinion it’s kinda immature and pathetic that you have to announce that you were the one that ended it.

It’s like a breakup when you’re twelve and you have to let everyone know that you were the dumper not the one that got dumped.

I don’t get it.


I Am The Label They Gave Me.

Personality tests, horoscopes, cliches, all of these things seem to give some kind of insight as to who you are as a person. I am a Pisces so I must be sensitive and loving, I am a Leo so I must crave the performing arts and be bold like the Lion. The personality test I took said that I am the colour purple which means I am cool and funny but purple also means I’m shy and reserved. I play football, so I must be a meathead jock with a low grade point average and slept with half the girls in school, I am an icon.

My personality and who I am was giving to me, not developed.

None of the traits I mentioned above apply to me but I’m sure they apply to someone, or people think it applies to them. We are living in a world in which people conform to the way the world wants to see them, TV, Music, Movies and everything else in this world seems to describe each person perfectly and leaves no room for diversity.

The worst part about it is, we follow their rules for the kind of person we want to be.  S For example; Society tells us that large butts and breasts are attractive so women workout to have a perfectly sculpted bubble butt, where as a few years ago a large butt was seen as a bad thing. Yet we work so hard to be seen as beautiful in away that 20 years ago would have been seen as unattractive.

We watch movies and see that the prettiest girls were dumb and shy so girls hide their report cards and stop answering questions in class. We see that the most desirable men were rude and hateful towards people but were misunderstood so men join in on bull sessions about the girl they like and then apologize for it like they did nothing wrong.

I am not who I am, I am who I saw on TV, who my friends saw on TV and who society says I am.

I am female and play a sport, so when I want to wear makeup or a dress I am teased for it. I have been labeled a tomboy so I must never wear skirts or heels, and become embarrassed when people point out that I wear makeup.

I grew up around friends being the natural person I was, but as time went on others developed a preferred life style they would like to be experiencing. My girly friend wanted a tomboy best friend who was rude and constantly getting into trouble and since I was an athlete it was easy to paint me that way.

Although I never so much as pushed someone I was introduced and described as some kind of delinquent that hated pink, makeup, jewellery and nice shoes. I conformed to it.

I like many others, am a victim to someone else’s imagination, and I worked hard to be portrayed the way they wanted. That made me fake, and soon the truth comes out and although I never gave myself these labels people called me out on things I never said were true.

I have grown up to be a different persona around my friends, a different person around my team and a different person around my family. Does that make me fake?

I am not calling someone a bitch behind their back and being their friend the next day. I am not lying to anyone about who I am, different parts of my personality simply become more highlighted when around different people. My team sees me as a hardworking and passionate person, where as my family view me as a loving and happy girl who gets good grades. All of these things about me are true yet when in the environment I am, you would think I was becoming someone else.

Today I have this knowledge and understanding that people will see me the way they want to see me, and that is okay. I have learned to just be myself and however they choose to portray me to others is their own opinions and views on who I am.

Coming to the realization that I was not being true to who I was but becoming a label someone put on me has allowed me to become the person I truly am.

No matter how had we try in this world to be true to ourselves we are still going to be labeled by someone else. If they think we are funny, then we are funny, if they think we are rude then we are rude, and if they think we are someone else than we are someone else and there is nothing we can do to change their views on us.

However that does not mean that we have to prove them correct and become someone we’re not. I am a passionate athlete and around my teammates I can be that part of me but I have to be okay with them seeing me as overly competitive. I am a tough person that doesn’t care what others think but that means I have to be okay with people seeing me as a bitch and heartless as well.

I am and never will be who I am inside, I will always be a label, and despite who terrible it sounds, I am okay with it.