Life Lessons for the Pale

I have been asked by doctors if I have recently been undergoing some blood work, and if not maybe I should get some done, because my pale skin alarms them. I had a doctor ask if I had a heavy flow because that may be the reason I am so sickly pale. No doctor, I have always been this pale. If you have ever had one of these encounters please know that you do not stand alone.

First life lesson, apparently we can look like we have been drained of our blood and some people are going to be concerned, just gracefully set them straight.

I wouldn’t say I am the palest that we come but I am one of those pales that could be mistaken for a vampire very easily. I am also one of those people that is pale all year round, my tan might bring me to the skin colour of a normal human being but it is a rare occurrence. There are some pale people in this world that I think I can relate to but come summer they change three ethnicities and then I want to slap the tan right off them.

Growing up pale is a lifestyle and I have learned some life lessons, so sit back and get ready because I’m about to blow you tan assholes minds.

The biggest question I get is “why don’t you tan?” the answer to that is because I am scared. Summer terrifies me because on the first day I decided to venture out into the world I will get burned. It doesn’t matter how much sunblock I wear, or how often I put it on, doesn’t matter if I spend most of the day in the shade, I am going to burn and burn badly. So I typically attempt to avoid that day as much as possible and the only way to do that is to try and avoid my first contact with summer for as long as I can. Once I fatally endure my full body burn and I heal, I can slowly make my way back into summer activities, I’m still gonna burn but at least the first time is done and over with. So why don’t I lay out in the sun other than burning? Well I do lay out in the sun and attempt to tan, in fact I got a bit of a Tan yesterday but you would never know because two shades darker than was is still described as translucent.

Spray tans, why the hell didn’t I think of that? I have not gotten a spray tan but I have watched others of my species do so, and it looks great, until It comes off. I’ve seen it rub off and no one recognizes you after you scrub it off, or it comes off in patches, or it sweats off and you end up looking like goddamned Neapolitan ice cream, you got fake tan, you burn and your pale ass skin. Also I’m broke, I don’t have the money to retouch up my tan every other day.

Life lesson learned, I’m not gonna be tan under any circumstances.

I am such a person that goes to the gym and hates it, one because I fully believe that cardio and lifting should have been deleted from our DNA around the same time we discovered fire, but also because although I am a avid gym goer you would never think so because of how pale I am.

You think thats ridiculous? Look at all the fitness models, and fitness instagram wonders of our world, what do they all have in common? They’re all better looking than me, and they’re all tan.

I’m sure theres a hidden pale girl in there somewhere trying to trick everyone but if you could make yourself known that’d be freaking fantastic because I got some questions for you.

Just a side note as well, when you see us in the gym and our faces are all red and it looks like we’re about to pass the fuck out, or you think our face is that red because we’re out of shape or holding our breath, don’t worry I’m just pale.

Life lesson; Never gonna be a fitness goddess, or inspiration.

Makeup.

Lord how I loathe makeup when it comes to my skin. Let’s start off with the redness in our skin, I so much as touch my face and I am left with a red mark for well over an hour, so I need something to cover it up.

Now I understand that every female has troubles finding colours to match their skin tones, even more so many of my african american girl friends can’t find colours to match their skin, so its a fucking bitch session when we go to the makeup counter together.

First you have to find a brand you like and 90% of the time you find one and they don’t have your shade, and you ask for help and the ladies completely screw you over.

I went to sephora to pick a foundation for my skin and I told her. “It’s for prom, I don’t care what brand it is so long as it matches my skin tone.” and then she took this little machine that looks like an ear thermometer and put it on my skin and I was like¬†Hell yeah, she’s gonna get this right. The she came back with a couple things and put them on my face and the terrible lighting in that place made it look like it could pass so I bought it. I stepped outside and my face was orange. And I knew it was orange because when I wiped it off with a tissue it looked like it does when I wipe cheeto dust off my fingers.

I have found foundations for my skin colour, but they’re not an all day thing, twice I have fallen down the rabbit hole of embarrassment and come home to find out that my makeup had oxidized and was now too dark for my skin.

Tried a dark smokey eye once and I looked like a creature of the undead, and nude lipsticks aren’t a thing in our world because we just look ridiculous. If you’re a pale girl trying to rock a nude lip I support you and your dreams but this is an intervention you would think white goes with everything but it doesn’t. I’m not trying to be mean, but to me it just looks weird, but we can rock the dark and bold lip colours.

Life lesson: Makeup is slowly killing us mentally and physically.

I am unconsciously very motherly about other peoples skin habits.

“What the hell do you mean your sunscreen is only SPF 30? That’s milk.” “You’re gonna burn put sunscreen on.” “You need to wear a hat” ¬†“It’s been ten minutes its time to reapply” ”

Life lesson: I’m gonna be a good mother.

Having to deal with the Tan bitches is the worst, because every tan girl is so damn proud of it and make us feel inferior. While they’re golden goddesses and we are ice queens they still manage to make us feel like there’s something wrong with us because we can’t get a tan.

I’ve had people say “I think it’s just gross when someone doesn’t have a little bit of colour.” or “It’s healthy to get some sun’ and my favourite. “I’d even rather be burned than pale.”

Is my skin actually see through? I mean do they not see this pale chick sitting beside them when they say that? They are indirectly being mean but heaven forbid I say something about not wanting skin cancer, or the wrinkles you can get from the sun, or how I might actually like my skin the way it is. Because I am wrong no matter what, they go crazy.

(I know that there are plenty of wonderfully pleasant tan people in this world and this is not directed at you but to those that give you a bad name)

Life lesson: Tan people are mean, but we are their friends.

There are plenty of other lessons the that pale people come to understand but guess what, if you’re pale you probably already figured them all out.

Pale and fucking proud.