Second Puberty

I am extremely apologetic to the prepubescent individuals in the world, puberty is coming shortly for you all and although you may be excited you are in for a rude awakening for what it holds. I am equally apologetic to those that have passed through puberty and survived, because it does not end there.

Second puberty is different for every person that experiences it, and unlike the first one, you are not anxiously anticipating for it to happen and receiving congratulations and great praise on becoming a man and a woman.

No second puberty is a dark and horrifying time that you endure on your own, because everyone experiences it at a different time.

You can remember puberty being your awkward stages when you were younger, acne, growth spurts, bullying, name calling, breast enlargement, voice cracks, bleeding, disgusting body hair, equally disgusting facial hair, extreme hungry, and getting turned on by the weirdest things, it was not the magical time your parents promised it would be.

Now I was one of those females that crashed into puberty head on without any clue what was happening, yes my mother did TELL me what was going to happen, but I fully believed that your period came one time, on one day in the month and then waited until the next month. You can understand my shock when it happened again only a few hours later, and my dumbass must have ruined about eight pairs of underwear until I figured it out.

Because of my terrifying experience you can imagine my anger when puberty seemed to strike again in my 20’s. Ladies and gentlemen because of my horrible experiences through puberty I am here to help you through your tough journey through second puberty.

It happens at a different time for everyone, the same as first puberty, and myself being a late bloomer for that event, I never expected to be an early bloomer for part two.

Second puberty can best be described as; feeling exhausted all the time (even after 20 hours of sleep), constantly forgetting at least one thing at home every time you leave, feeling overly stressed about things you have to do and not doing them, or feeling completely stressed about all the work you have to do when in fact you don’t have anything to do, wearing pyjamas in the outside world, not showering or shaving for two weeks and not give a shit, having people tell you you look different when in fact all you have done is let your hair down from its usual bun, becoming addicted to a single snack or beverage and having it 6 times a day for up to two months. Going out on a Saturday night feels like a chore, wanting to be around everyone and no one at the same time, paying some kind of bill, and/or not caring if you fail at something but at the same time really caring if you fail at it.

From my understanding, it usually happens during or shortly after college, and the fact is that you can’t stop it, you can’t avoid it, and it can last from anywhere between a week to four years.

Second puberty for me is currently still happening and I am working through it as best as I can. Many traits I used to have like wanting to go out and actually look somewhat respectable in the outside world have been deleted. My vocabulary has developed significantly but the words “fuck” and “bitch”  have replaced my punctuation. I am a grown up, but I still feel like I need to seek out a more adult like figure to accompany in choice making and my mother and father still have to book my doctors appointments.

I view second puberty as almost like human evolution but instead of becoming a higher and more developed version of myself, I am making the transition from non functioning adult, to somewhat adequately functioning adult.

In this time period you will learn things like how to pay a bill, sew a button, rent a car, pay taxes, change a tire, make something other than Mr noodles, write a resume, plan a trip, pump gas, and how much cat food costs.

You will also do things like: get in the shower with your pants on and proceed to continue shower once you’ve noticed, buy two items at a grocery store and turn that into meals for two weeks, use makeup that is no one knows how old, cry when TV shows come to an end, become emotionally attached to inanimate objects, and develop irrational hatreds for people with allergies to strawberries. You’ll do a bunch of weird shit that actually doesn’t have a viable explanation as to why you did it, and receive lots of judgement for.

It’s okay though, you know why? Because it’s second puberty and pretty soon they’re gonna go through it too, and understand your antics.

Do not be alarmed from what I understand those that go through second puberty emerge  like a butterfly, but instead of a butterfly you’re gonna be a functioning adult after this, or at least be able to fake it. Second puberty is all about becoming a complete hot mess and screw up so that when you’re ready for the real world you can actually survive.

Don’t get second puberty confused with the mistakes you make with drugs, alcohol and sex, because thats all just the universe having fun with you and laughing at the choices you make.

So if you feel like a total mess, and a screw up and maybe even a little bit chaotic and not caring about it,  it’s okay. It’s just second puberty. You’ll push past it, and now you have something to blame rather than yourself.

Get excited ladies and gentlemen you’re in for one hell of a ride.