Sex seems to be both a taboo and exciting topic of interest that either is plastered on every billboard or shunned and avoided at all costs. I grew up with both, but I always had a discomfort when it came to the mentioning of sex because I didn’t seem to relate or react the same way my peers did.
I had thought it to be because I was young, I thankfully had not been sexualized as a kid, and the topic of sex and intmacy wasn’t addressed to the fullest and honest extent inside the Catholic school I went to. Sex was a topic that made me uncomfortable until I was in my twenties.
It might have been because of my inexperience but when someone made a comment of being laid the previous night or mentioned the sexual acts their partner and them were intiating on one another, I would sit in silence and hope the topic would change quickly. I came to realize later on in life that I wasn’t uncomfortable talking about sex and sexual desire, (Now I can speak for hours on the subject) I was uncomfortable because I didn’t understand the desire and interest everyone else seemed to be experiencing.
I couldn’t relate to my hormone ridden friends, I couldn’t contribute to their conversations on the hot English teacher or that vampire from the movie or even that cute boy in the line ahead of us. I couldn’t do it because I didn’t relate, and I didn’t relate because I didn’t have a sexual attraction to anyone.
Not once have I looked at someone and thought “I want to have sex with them.” Or been turned on by someones appearance and because of that I had huge insecurity with my own sexuality and putting it on display because if I am not sexually attracted to people , why would people be sexually attracted to me? There were always so many rules too, it’s either your sexy or you’re tacky and honestly I could never figure out which it was because people like different things. I heard someone say once that “No one is good at sex, you either like what someone does or you don’t.” I was having alot of trouble figuring out what I liked, but I kept looking because there was no apathetic option.
Good things came from being asexual. With the lack of sexual interest I was able to hold onto my virginity until I was eighteen more so that I was very safe when it came to sex, it was in college and only in college that I had an interest in having sex. That’s when I kind of wanted to know what all the hype was about.
I was ready, and because the sexual drive to have sex was missing I didn’t feel an overhelming connection to having sex and its connection to the relationship. The first boy I slept with cheated on me, and I cried over the way he had treated me but when my friends consoled me for the man who took my virginity and dumped me three days later . . . I had to tell them that I felt nothing to the fact that we had had sex. They didn’t believe me of course. The truth was I did it because I was ready, had a physical attraction to him, an emotional attraction and I trusted him. The sex was underwhelming, tedious, and somewhat boring.
I thought there was something wrong with me. Wrong with the fact that I had never had an orgasm, or that I always needed lube because my arousal wasn’t coming through. I worried that after 15 mins I was bored and ready for them to stop. It felt good, and I was occasionally interested in sex and that left me feeling more confused.
There is countless reasons why there should be sex ed access to anyone part of the LGBTQ+ community, in my case, I didn’t even learn what asexual was until this year, and when I did learn, it just made so much sense. Asexual, a lack of sexual attraction towards anyone, sexual attraction is not the same as physical or emotional attraction, unfortunately society had decided that in order for a relationship to exist, you were suppose to have all three.
I want to relate to the memes, and the talk about how “great sex” is a key component to a good, healthy relationship, but I can’t. There’s nothing wrong with me, there’s nothing missing inside me. Everyone can think of someone that they wanted to have sex with, and even more people that they didn’t. Does sex make the relationship work? Fuck no it doesn’t, but everyone is allowed to have a varying degree in which sex plays a role in their relationship. For myself as an asexual it holds almost none. That’s what people need to realize, it’s a spectrum not a definition. Some never want to have sex, some have specific parameters in which they will. This is what it means to date me.
I have a libido, I do want to have sex on occassion because sometimes a girl just needs to satisfy her needs. I am heterosexual, I am physically attracted to men, I enjoy intimate touch and having a connection, I am emotionally available and attracted to people, and yes I do have sex.
Reasons I have sex: My partner wanting to have sex with me (no is always an option in my relationships, I do enjoy the physical feeling of sex but theres nothing driving me to do it) My libido, intimate contact, starting a family, to experience the sensation, to make my partner feel good, and on the rarest occasions, when I’m drunk. In fact I used to get high all the time before sex because it was much more enjoyable and I latched onto anything that could make it better.
Does that mean I never initiate sex? I do. I do alot of the time actually because I know who I am and that while I expect my partner to respect my sexual desire I respect theirs. I have dated men that wanted sex three times a day and men who can go a few days or even weeks without. I mentioned before that I was cheated on, and my cheater was getting sex at least once a day. There’s no excuse for what he did but before some of you jackass’ go on saying that he must have been starving for sex, it’s not true. He didn’t even know I was asexual because I didn’t even know, I did what I thought was normal to do, which was have sex. The point I’m making is that while I owe nothing to the men I date, I can’t expect them to be okay with never having sex because I know that they do in fact have a desire that I don’t. I do enjoy sex with someone I love, but it’s an emotional and physical connection, you’re probably not going to be able to make me come, but I will have a good time. And so will you.
Look at it this way, you never have to worry about me sleeping around, because… ew. And did I check out that guy? Maybe, but I have no desire to have sex with him. Did that creepy person just hit on me at the bar? Well theres zero chance I will have sex with them. Am I drunk and have beer goggles? Doesn’t matter.
My sexual drive does increase with alcohol or marijuana, but its still just the intimate contact I crave, not actually having sex. I’ll read an erotic novel and get aroused but when I think about actually performing the act I’m dried up. I love to fantasize, but every fantasy seems to be about the build up to having sex, the tenderness, the roughness, the kissing, touching. . . everything is great but I seem to always avoid that final act. No. I personally don’t even masturbate.
I work in healthcare, the human body has become pretty much just anatomy to me now, you see enough body parts to give you a very simplistic way of looking at the human body. Which has left me with the ability to talk about sex as if it were nothing. Realizing I’m asexual has uplifted me in so many ways. I feel almost powerful, like I have some kind of clear vision when it comes to looking for a partner now. I’m not awkward anymore because I don’thave to worry about if the guy I met at the bar only wants sex from me, cause he’s not going to get it. Sexual conversations are more educational, structured and conversational to me know, because I’m not trying to relate to anyone anymore. I feel more confident in my clothing because there is absolutely no message I am trying to send to anyone, there is no one I’m trying to seduce and I’m not worried about if that guy is attracted to me sexually.
Being asexual is something I didn’t want to be, and is still something that I am exploring. Growing into my sexuality has been a battle and a journey but I am so glad that I have finally found out why I feel the way I do. I’m proud.
Lets Talk About It 